


Letters You'll Never See

by bitchaotic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Broken Dean, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Not for the weak of heart, Some Swearing, Suicidal Dean, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-08-22 02:06:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8268655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitchaotic/pseuds/bitchaotic
Summary: Dean can't take it anymore. He's broken and too much like his father. All three chapters will be written as letters from Dean.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not going to lie, I was tearing up as I was typing this.  
> Warning: Suicide  
> Thank you for reading. I hope that you don't connect with any of this.  
> Thank you for all the kudos/comments/hits. I appreciate them all.

Dear Sam,  
I'm sorry. I haven't been the best brother and I'm sorry. 

Sometimes I act like Dad so much that it scares me. That's why I'm doing this. I can't take it. I look in the mirror and I see him. I hear him criticizing me with everything I do. I hear him saying that I'll never be good enough. 

Don't be sad, Sammy. It's for the best. I'm not happy anymore. You and Castiel are the reason I've been around for this long. I've been thinking about this for a long time. I know you guys have been worrying about me. I'm sorry if you see me after it's done. Don't think of me like that. When you think of me, think of the time the three of us had that bonfire. Think of how nice it was, before I got bad. All of use having s'mores and beers together. Do you remember what Cas said? He told us that it was the happiest he'd ever been. I felt the same way at the time. I want you to think of me when I was happy.

It's getting harder to write this. I keep wondering if maybe I should keep going, if things will get better. I don't want you to hurt. I want you both to be happy. I don't want you to blame yourself, okay? This is my choice. I keep hurting you guys. I see how you look when I get pissed. You look just like how you did to when Dad was drunk and would beat on us. Scared. Helpless. I don't want you to feel that way with me. I don't want you to worry that I'm going to hurt you. I'd rather die than hurt you. I guess that's what I'm doing, isn't it? Killing myself before I get the chance to hurt you.

I love you, Sammy. We've never said that enough. I really do love you, though. You're the best little brother a guy could ask for. Mom would be so proud of you. I'd like to think that I'll see her again, but I doubt I'll get past those pearly gates. I'm proud of you, too. Don't do anything stupid when I'm gone. I know what you're like when you're upset, and I don't want you to get like that because of me. I'm going to tell Castiel in his letter to watch out for you. He'll make sure you eat and leave the house. Watch out for him, too, please. 

God, I've never felt so broken than when I started writing this. They make it seem easy. You say your goodbyes, then you pull the trigger. The goodbyes are already harder than I expected, and I still have another note to write. I feel like a coward. I've been writing this for two hours and I've got hardly anything to show for it. 

If I don't hurry up and get to Castiel's letter, I'll never pull the trigger. I'm not even scared of dying. I'm scared of hurting you guys. Please, Sammy. Don't follow in your brother's footsteps. Don't hurt yourself. You can't hurt yourself because I'm a fuck up. 

I love you, Sammy.  
Maybe I'll see you again. Hopefully it's not anytime soon.  
-Dean


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's note.

Dear Castiel,  
You deserve so much better than me. Your family knows that, too. I've heard them whisper about how fucked up I am. They're right. Now you can move onto someone better. Someone that will make your dad proud. 

You know I love you. You and Sammy are the only ones that have kept me around for this long. Watch out for him, okay? He gets really bad around death. When our Uncle Bobby died, he locked himself in his room and refused to eat. Don't let that happen, please. I can't stand the idea of him being like that because of me. I know it's a lot to ask, but you guys need to stay together. 

It's stupid, but I'd like for you to visit my grave. I don't know what happens after you die, but I'd like to think that I'll be able to watch over you guys and hear what you say. I want you to talk to me, tell me about your day, about how you're doing. Tell me when you start dating again. I'll understand when life gets too busy to come see me, but I just want to know that you're okay. 

I know that you and Sammy have gotten close over the years. Please visit him once in a while, too. He thinks of you as a brother, and I'd hate for him to lose both of his brothers at once. I keep asking for a lot, but it's because I care. 

Do you remember our third date? You said you don't have sex until the third date. On that date, we had such a great time that we were both so exhausted that we passed out in your bed and didn't wake up until the next afternoon. It wasn't until the tenth date that we actually had sex because we were having such good times on our dates. I knew you were worth waiting for the moment I saw you. On our fifth date, one of your brothers told me that I wasn't good enough for you and that's why you refused to get intimate with me. I told him that I would be happy if we never did anything physical. I was never good enough for you, but you still loved me. 

I'm sorry that I wasted three years of your life. Last week, that same brother told me that I ruined your plans of traveling the world. He showed me a scrapbook you made of all the places you wanted to visit. I'm sorry that I held you back from that. I wish you would have told me. Maybe I would have broken up with you so you could be happy. I wouldn't have made it this far in life if I had, though. I'm happy for all of our time together. I hope when you look back, you don't see what could have been. I'd hate for all of our memories to be nothing but mistakes to you. 

I know you'd never do that. It's just my brain making things up. I worry and make things seem a hundred times worse. Maybe that's the reason that I'm doing this. Not because things are really wrong, but because I make them out to be worse than they are. 

I love you, Castiel. I will always love you. I'm sorry.  
-Dean


	3. Chapter 3

If you find these, I want you to know they're old. I think I'm okay now, guys. I don't want you to worry about me.

Please don't throw them away. I don't think I'll ever need them to leave for you guys, but I do need them. I need to remember how bad things were at one point, and how much better things have gotten.

I'm trying to be a better brother to you, Sam. Am I doing any better than I was a few years ago? I did keep going, and things have gotten better. I'm happier now, because you and Cas kept me going. 

A lot has changed, mostly for the better. I've stopped regretting that I was holding you back, Cas- from those dreams of travel. We, the three of us, have been all over. I think you guys are happier now, too, than you were back then. Especially when we were on that beach in Florida. You guys were kicking sand at each other and laughing. Sam was laughing so hard that he was bent over, having trouble catching his breath. And Castiel.. God, you looked so happy. I'd never seen you smile so big. Now you seem to smile like that all the time. That was the day that I knew things were alright. The next adventure is to Rome. I hate flying more than anything, but I'm willing to face my fears to make Cas happy.

I want to beat my past self up for thinking that suicide was the answer. I want to show him the pictures from our wedding day. I want to show him how good life is. I want to tell him that he has the best brother and the best husband ever. I'm glad he- I didn't do that. I couldn't go through with it. I kept thinking about how bad you guys would feel. I didn't want my best friends to hurt.

It's crazy that me and Cas are married, and Sam is engaged. I know that mom would love Sarah. She'd be happy for all of us.

I'd like to think that the Novak brothers are a little less hateful towards me. Maybe it's just because they realize how happy Castiel is. Maybe they know how hard I'm trying to be the best husband that I can possibly be. 

I'm happier than I've ever been.  
-Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. I might come back to this last chapter and make it better/longer at some point. But, yeah. Happy ending because the Winchesters deserve happiness.


End file.
